The Wrong Path
by E.M.PRAETORIAN
Summary: In this alternate universe, Shizuru left Fuka after the Carnival and graduation. If we take a different path than the one Fate planned, can we get back? Guest appearances in this chapter. Shoujo-ai
1. Scattered and Scarred

**DISCLAIMER: **Mai HiME and its characters are Sunrise property.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: ** I'm not sure if I want to do other characters, but I know this isn't complete. Hers were the strongest feelings so I gave them voice. We choose our paths, but what if it truly is the wrong one? Can we change it, do we have that power? How will we know the right road?

* * *

**The Wrong Path: Scattered and Scarred**

How many days have I been gone now? I lost count after the first hundred days. I lost track of how far after a thousand miles. I wanted to be there for her, to be everything she needed, and in retrospect I failed. I can't go back, undo the damage I wrought in her name. As I think back, every time I think back, I wouldn't change any of my actions. She has gone her way and it seems I have run away. How odd.

I miss her greatly; her beautiful face and long hair, I long for the closeness we once shared. No more, no longer can I reach out and gently stroke her sleeping head. I miss her eyes and the way she would use them to examine life. Cool and calculating, she lived so honestly and tried to be so fair, I'm not sure what changed that. The way she left was hurried, scared, and uncharacteristically nervous. I'm not so sure it was just me; I know I brought about her indecision, but those cold harsh words were her own doing.

I wonder if she thinks of me, if she is trying to find me. I'm too nervous to know the truth, it's why I left. She made it clear that I wasn't welcome anymore, not alone anyway. Every time I tried to steal a moment, she would change and become cold and indifferent. There's so much damage, I fear it is irreparable, but know not because I left. I've been out here so long, I scarcely remember why and when I left. My last good memory is of being held that once in her arms, time stopped as we shared a stolen moment.

Our chaste kiss had fired a passion that I hadn't realized was there. Though it was me who broke the kiss, she was the one who reached for the next, one not so chaste and very enlivening. She made me feel more than I had previously thought possible as her friend. However, now I felt fire consuming me and thought it was the same for her. When we parted afterward, I was so sure something was off. She opened the door and unlocked the gates on both of our hearts. So why was it she was sending me home?

I'll never know, because my heart jumps violently into my throat when I try to call and ask. I feel each and every beat like thunder in my throat and chest, a coppery taste filling my mouth as I grind my teeth, trying to bite back the butterflies in my stomach. Her beautiful face carrying me through the long lonely nights. Given another chance on life, I wish it had never happened; that we had never returned, but my karma seems to lead to this lonely path, down this darkened road.

The biggest question, can I reconcile my deeds and find the courage to go home?


	2. Running From Myself

**DISCLAIMER: **Mai HiME and its characters are Sunrise property.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **I always wondered about the many 'what if' stories that could be done using this series and Otome. The _italics _here represent a remembered moment.

* * *

**Running From Myself**

_I accept your words Fujino, but think you should be reciting them in front of a mirror. I was blinded by my convictions before that moment, trying to keep pace with you and hating you for being so forthright. Such a love needs not be stolen and possessed. If it is truly yours, by your side will it always be. You crossed a line with someone you professed to love, you made it dirty. My mistake was thinking she had been a willing participant. I thought she was corrupting you and I'm sorry to say I was wrong. You sullied everything beautiful with your actions and now have nothing to show for it. I don't hate you Fujino, I pity you._

I was shocked at how she had gotten through her reply without a single mistake, even as difficult as her words were once again to swallow. My self-professed rival, Haruka Suzushiro, gained greatly where I failed, she found a partner silent and strong in her best friend. In death she showed more courage than any of us, we the chosen given power to change the world. She stood before me with dying spirit and challenged me, in my twisted mind I defeated her, squashed like some annoying insect. I was wrong, she attained more than any one of us. I apologized to her in private; it was the hardest thing I had to do, besides leaving which I did not long after that conversation.

I didn't put much thought into leaving; I just boarded a train with a single bag and didn't turn back. The first place I stopped I found a tutoring job in the paper for a disabled young boy. I didn't stay long once the dreams started interrupting not only my sleep, but the rest of the house as well. I had enough funds to move on again, this time much further. I found work at a small bookstore next.

I was relatively happy there and had yet to be visited by my guilt. The dreams had not plagued me since taking to the road again. Settling here I was surprised to still remain dream-free. The old store was owned by a pleasant old couple and they rarely did more than read and nap all day. I took care of the cleaning; any customers they received, and/ or orders that had come in. When I received that visit though it was like my world crashed again, I wanted to run and hide, but stood my ground even as my legs shook and my heart lodged itself in my throat. Her smile changed the feeling I had and for a moment peace settled upon me once more.

Miss Sugiura was sitting on the floor in the occult section reading some old HiME texts she had tracked to this location. I was pleased to see her; she had nothing to say about my leaving Fuka as I had. Instead she left me with a copy of her thesis on the HiME mythology and a letter from the collective former HiME and a few others. Should I go back, I wondered even as I watched Miss Sugiura walk back to her spot in the back of the store?

Even more daunting was the question of whether or not to read what she gave me?


	3. Stepping Stones

**DISCLAIMER: **Mai HiME and its characters are Sunrise property.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **I feel as if the shackles have been loosed from my creative limbs. This story though running in short chapters is flowing like everything did in my early days here on FFN.

* * *

**Stepping Stones**

Miss Sugiura didn't bother me the rest of the day. I found her asleep on the floor in the occult section when it was time for me to leave; she was smiling clutching a few books to her chest. The owners had given me the tiny apartment upstairs; it was across the hall from their home above the bookstore. It was barely about half the size of the old Student Council room at Fuka, but had what I needed. As I climbed the stairs to my room, I looked at the large manila envelope Miss Sugiura gave me, and tried to fight back the shakes. I hadn't faced her during the Carnival and wondered why she would want to seek me out. I didn't know of her research and my stomach churned as I thought of the prospect of the HiME letters.

I faltered momentarily on the stairs as the nausea washed over me. I was remembering everything I did for Natsuki. I hadn't said her name in months, each time I did everything came flooding back. How could I repent for the lives I had taken? Even though we were all returned by the Crystal HiME, it would have been better to have died for my sins. I would have preferred a death sentence in her arms over returning to life. Yes, even now I am still selfish. There was sweat on my brow as I entered my room, it was anxiety brought on by the prospect of what I would face on paper.

I placed the envelope on the small table by the door, retreating to the small kitchen nook to make my pot of tea, and decide on what to eat. As I prepped the tea it became clear that I would not be able to stomach food. After turning off the small hot plate, I turned on the shower and prepared to remove the day's dust and ill ease. Every time I try to wash away the day, I try to wash away a part of the wrongs I have committed, a fruitless endeavor for sure. I stand beneath the stream and feel the cleansing water soothe my tired muscles, how unfortunate that it cannot also help to clear my mind.

I dress for bed and return to making my pot of tea. From its place on the small table by the door, the manila envelope beckons to me. I decide to read the thesis that Miss Sugiura has written on the HiME mythology, knowing full well that there is more truth than fiction to be found on the matter. I find myself drawn in to her text and fixing another pot of tea. Pathetic children turned on one another; we were like little dolls in a violent dance of death. All for the right to shape the future of the world from inside some crystal cocoon. Never to be allowed to rise like a butterfly from the chrysalis, no. In the end, the gift is to finally die and pass the prison sentence on to another clueless young girl.

Nothing but stepping stones to be walked on straight into the future, did that really include her or me for that matter? I was willing to tear down the entire world just to have Natsuki to myself. No one from the First District ever physically harmed us, we were too precious it seems, to further their selfish goals. For some reason this don't make me feel any better, it makes me sick and extremely tired. Stepping stones… that is what we were. Pawns, such sickening thoughts in all reality, pretty little girls without a clue as to our true intended purpose. And here we are now or at least I alone was still none the wiser.

Now can I summon the courage to willingly read these letters? Can I face my nightmares as they unfold on the paper?


	4. Nothing but the Facts

**DISCLAIMER: **Mai HiME and its characters are Sunrise property.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **I think that the letter contents aren't as important as the truth Shizuru must learn from them. There may be nothing to be gleaned from them at all, as often in life sometimes things just are...whether that is the truth or curiosity or even a destined moment.

* * *

**Nothing but the Facts**

The title scrawled on the envelope is twofold in truth. First it is the story of the HiME of previous ages. Second it is the story of us, the last HiME in our words, well their words.

The first letter I read is from Sister Yukariko, she says she has delivered her daughters and is unhappy. She fell in love with a man who used her to gain power; he sought to use her to usurp the Obsidian Prince. I cringe as I read the things she willingly did for him, my stomach turning over as I think of Natsuki, and then the truth later learned of the coercion by Nagi and the Obsidian Prince of this age, Reito Kanzaki. She loves her daughters, but still is very devoted to the church, and as such could not remain with their father, Wataru Ishigami. It would seem her letter had at one time bore a verse from the Bible. Unable to make it out, I wonder how relevant it was and who or maybe what thought made her decide to erase it.

Sister Yukariko was afraid of what the mark meant until I shared mine with her. I told her there were others, but she was too shell shocked to listen to what I already knew. I should have noticed and asked what was truly scaring her more. Was it the creatures that fought at our side or the fact that to save lives, we faced the 'at first' unwilling choice of sacrificing another in order to wield it? It was never our own sacrifice, no matter how Nagi phrased or tried to candy-coat it, no matter our perception of the truth it couldn't be changed or so I told myself back then.

I gloss over Akane Higurashi's letter next, because she admits to having no idea of the torment we faced once turned against one another. She makes it clear that she would have done anything for Kazuya's safety, even if it meant killing one of us, but her words seem to lack the conviction. I think her role was as destined as any, to be the example for us all. As harsh as that thought is, I think she was better off not learning as we did.

I am disturbed by the lack of a letter from these three. Mikoto, Nao, and Yukino all state that they will only speak to me in person. Mikoto Minagi troubles me the most because she seemed very innocent though bore the strength, conviction, and heart of a warrior. She was Reito's younger sister and none of us had known until it was dying time. Facing Yukino comes with Haruka as her protector, how karmic that Yukino-HiME accepted the power to be Haruka's protector.

I owe both Yukino and Nao most sincere apologies, whether or not they accept them, like Haruka. I owe them that and much more, but like the last time I have few words that don't bring a bad taste with them. Thinking of them reminds me too much of the pain, the arrogance, and Natsuki. What is there to say to Miss Minagi, I guess to know would be to listen to what she has to share?

I am tempted to read Miss Sugiura's letter next, but I am drawn to the one that says Harada. Chie Harada was not just a simple gossip queen; Harada was/ is an information broker for anyone with something worthy of trading. It is interesting to note that she has been given carte blanch information on the HiME, the Carnival, and the after effects of it all. I wonder if I should accept her offer to call and test that knowledge, maybe glean from her what my reception would be. If her words here are any judgment, it is challenging and reminiscent of what I would expect from Natsuki.

As I search I realize that there is not a letter from Natsuki among the remaining letters. I feel as if my heart has been sucked down to my feet and that my stomach had been forever lodged in my throat. I guess I should have known, but my heart wished for her letter if even just for a moment. In the end once again she makes it clear she has nothing further to say to me.

I hear laughter from across the hall and realize that Miss Sugiura hasn't left. As I wonder why she is staying, I realize morning fast approaches and set aside the rest of the letters for sleep.

Do I continue come morning light; will my courage hold out that long?


	5. Trepidation and Tribulation

**DISCLAIMER: **Mai HiME and its characters are Sunrise property.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **I love what I do, I'm glad you are reading even if not reviewing. Yes my dear Lurkers I know you are there.

* * *

**Trepidation and Tribulation**

Seems I won't be getting any sleep thanks to the envelope. It taunts me even from across this small apartment. The letters beckon to me and I feel the indigestion of not eating. I am warm and comfortable and refuse to leave this futon. Turn faster so that I might get dressed and head to work; as if a clock would obey my will. Why did Miss Sugiura have to bring these things to me? I think I'll satisfy my stomach before work. Yes I know you are there and want to be read, but I get a bit of sanity first.

Well at least while I work I have an excuse not to read them, besides the fact that I don't want to read anymore. So much for hoping Miss Sugiura would be gone already. The small collection of books from yesterday is still in place at her feet. She asked me to call her Midori, I've tried but Miss Sugiura keeps coming out of my mouth instead. Even with her presence, I still have a job to do and will not be distracted. Just five orders this morning, I guess my other duties will start a little earlier than usual.

Oh please Miss Sugiura, please get up, leave the store, and my life. There aren't enough orders for this morning's mail and I fear I'll go mad if I have to keep being reminded of everything Fuka. I hadn't noticed this order yesterday. Half the books listed on it are at Miss Sugiura's feet. Sagisawa…ah yes they are friends. Miss Sugiura must be sending them back through mail. All she does is smile, she has barely moved except to lift her feet off of the books I need. If that smile of hers wasn't genuine or so infectious I might be able to concentrate on something more constructive like dusting the racks or the book swapping with the other stores in the area.

I really must find a way to repay my boss's kindness. Because I was distracted while trying to perform my duties, they showed some concern. I have nothing except cleaning to do and they are allowing me to take a few hours off until mail arrives. I offered to run the deliveries to the other shops earlier today, but there were only two and my boss was insistent that I get a little more rest.

I could feel Miss Sugiura's eyes following me as I climb the stairs, but she was not behind me. She was of course still reading and I was making a big deal out of nothing.

So I'll read the letters and hopefully get Miss Sugiura to leave. Or maybe I will just go down and tell her 'thank you' and send her back with no reply. Either way I need to get a hold of my emotions. I like this place and I'm not ready to leave just yet. I need to humor Miss Sugiura and try not to assume the worst, just because she hasn't left yet.

I'll just have to wear a mask to get through the rest of her little visit.


	6. Something Learned in the Ruins

**DISCLAIMER: **Mai HiME and its characters are Sunrise property.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **Though these chapters are but drabbles, they are meant to hit just a single point and move on. A test of my craft…

7/1/10- the enclosure ( ) holds someone else's POV...to be later explained.

* * *

**Something Learned in the Ruins**

With mask in place, I look over the letters. Seems I really will need to replace the old mask, I truly didn't expect either of the two letters before me. Akira Okuzaki…I wonder what she could tell me. She…it is still so weird to think of Akira as a she. Seems she too is finding it difficult to be a girl, now that there is no further need for her masquerade. Her family lost a daughter in the previous Carnival, so they created Akira's masquerade for her safety. Ingenious but rather sad to have to hide your true self, for fear of something over which you have no control.

She says to leave behind the old traditions and live a new life, a new life unhampered by threats of retribution. Ah Miss Okuzaki, if only it were as easy as your words make it sound. I wonder how they would have explained the deaths and those left mentally incapacitated if we had not been given our second chance. How would the families react and what about those without family to contact?

Miss Himeno has been keeping a good face, but I wonder what she has to say. She knew who Mashiro Kazahana truly was, what we were, and why we were brought to Fuka. How many of us were like Akira or Reito and Mikoto? How many of us had familial ties to the previous Carnivals? I'm not sure how much I believe about the part she and Mashiro played. Were they truly helping us, gathering us all in one place? Considering the fact that we had to play their game, I'm not sure they were wrong.

I find it hard to imagine Miss Minagi as she is described here. I never did get to see her on the battlefield in action though. Miss Himeno's description of how life felt after Mikoto defeated her is so eerie. The emotions she describes, the longing for death, all of it hits too close to home for me. I know none of us were virtuous angels, but once we destroyed the HiME Star it all felt like a bad dream. Here she describes how she still can feel Mashiro's presence sometimes and is reminded of her own misdeeds whenever she sees any of us even still. Yet she says she wouldn't change anything she did, I don't understand why?

'_There's something I learned in the ruins around the world that I would like to impart to you.' __**M.S.**_

( "Shizuru caught her breath as she read the words on the outside of Midori's envelope. As Shizuru pulled out the blank sheet of paper from the light green envelope, she thought there was some mistake. What lesson could be learned from a blank piece of paper? Could it be that simple after all? Maybe it was a trick to get her asking questions, whatever it was meant to be Shizuru wasn't giving in to any curiosity." )

"_Miss Tokiha seems to have a lot to say, but hers will have to wait, I have work to return to,"_ Shizuru thought as she laid Mai's unopened envelope on her table and headed back downstairs.


	7. Prolonging the Pain

**DISCLAIMER: **Mai HiME and its characters are Sunrise property. The characters that are guest appearing here have homes of their own. The only thing I claim is this twisted little 'what if'.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **I hadn't fully thought through how I was going to bring this chapter about, as seen in the last chapter. It became clearer as I worked on another chapter of another of my stories 'Mugen Shima'. Yes this has been angst-y, but it was has a life and mind of its own, thanks to my muse.

* * *

**Prolonging the Pain**

_It was a dark and chilly night, too cold to do anything but read and sleep. Like a spirit on the air, we weave and wind our way to a house, rooms darkened and occupants making their way to sleep. Well not all occupants…_

"_Why was Shizuru-HiME so afraid to go back?" the little black-haired girl asked. Though her mom was ready for bed the little girl clearly was not, "You said nobody hated her, so why was she so afraid?"_

"_Remember, Shizuru-HiME was the one who did a lot of really bad things to innocent people," The girl's mom answered as she pushed back her blonde hair over hear ear._

"_But so did all of the others, I thought you said she wasn't the only one to hurt people. You said that because the HiME did it for love, they hurt people in order to keep that love safe," the little girl answered with a pouty face as her mom realized that once again she was going to fight a losing battle._

_The little girl looked across the room to her other mom, the one with hair not unlike the wild ocean. At this time of the night, her other mom's hair was tossed and tussled from the busy day, like the waves of that same ocean. Looking to her for some hint of hope, the little girl deflated as all she saw was her mom's 'listen' face._

"_Haruka-papa always takes so long to tell a story," pouted the little girl, sure her parents were trying to teach her a lesson, besides put her to sleep again._

"_Hotaru, are you going to hear the end of Shizuru-HiME's story tonight or tomorrow night?" Michiru-mama asked from her seat in the rocker in the corner of Hotaru's bedroom._

_Haruka looked across the room and silently thanked her partner for helping. Little Hotaru snuggled tighter into her blankets and finally gave her full attention to the story._

"_Okay, so Shizuru-HiME returned to work and tried to avoid Midori-HiME again, but..._

Miss Sugiura greeted me at the bottom of the stairs with a smile on her face, this one was rather unnerving. Behind the smile was the confidence that I could no longer call upon, even with my mask. She didn't try to touch me or say a word, Miss Sugiura just handed me the paperwork for the items delivered and walked away.

That blank piece of paper haunted me as I worked; it was hard to focus as my thoughts kept returning to the emptiness of the paper. I looked over my shoulder towards Miss Sugiura's place in the occult section and cast an angry glare. How could anything be learned from nothing? As I inventoried the last two books, I found it hard to choke back my anger any longer.

"I've been living a peaceful life here. I've been minding my business and trying my best to forget about Fuka," I snapped as I turned away from the counter, having finished the intake of inventory.

"Really...?" Midori questioned from her place in the occult books. The look on her face wasn't one of shock or exasperation, it was of…relief.

"What did you learn? What can be learned in the cast off rubble of shattered dreams and fallen lives?" I queried as my temper climbed even higher, not from the thought of the blank sheet anymore, but from Midori Sugiura's new smile. She was never my teacher, but from what I recalled of those hazy days, she always tried to be one of our peers. As such, I was going to treat her as one.

"Shizuru Fujino, as if you were the only HiME to destroy property, or dreams, or even take a life. I was too busy trying to stop the Carnival to partake in its insanity, but in the end I had to anyway. I saw insane, you never faced Mikoto Minagi or even Shiho Munakata, did you? They were both rather vicious, especially Mikoto," Midori said to me never dropping her smile.

Her next words left me clueless and cold, "Mashiro Kazahana gave us a fresh start or did you forget her words?"

I tried to remember her words, but they faded each time I tried to recall. Instead, I started to think back to the Carnival and how I tried to avoid it by taking Natsuki away. A failure on my part thanks to the determination of Haruka Suzushiro. It was waking in the ruins with Natsuki at my side and Sister Yukariko Sanada and her beloved Mr. Ishigami, the art teacher that struck me.

I noticed their embrace and how quickly it separated, but never understood their relationship or how it might have any similarity to how I treated Natsuki or felt for her. After reading Sister Yukariko's letter, all I could feel was her shame. The feeling that I wanted so badly to forget: shame. And now it made sense, she loved a man who used her body in every way to attain his goal of power, whereas I used Natsuki for mine though not for power, at least not mine in hindsight.

"Is the fight leaving you or are you planning to run again and prolong not only your pain, but that of others?" asked Miss Sumiregawa my boss. As she pushed her glasses back into place, I could feel her eyes examining me.

I suddenly felt very cold and trapped. What did this woman know of my life? How could she presume to understand what I was thinking of doing at that very moment?


	8. Wading Through the Fear and Doubt

**DISCLAIMER: **Mai HiME and its characters are Sunrise property. The guest appearances are by characters from Sailor Moon and R.O.D. TV, and yes they are owned by different companies too.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This chapter stands as the most difficult I have had with this story.

* * *

**Wading Through the Fear and Doubt**

I looked at my boss dumbstruck, _what did Miss Sugiura tell her?_ As I wonder this, my boss spoke up in her defense. Her words were cold and harsh, but nothing prepared me for the look she gave me. I felt all at once, as if under a microscope. Her eyes burned into me, it was as if she could read my thoughts.

Hearing each name brought a vibrant happy face into my mind, something I wanted no part of at the time. I had never seen Mikoto in action, this was true, but I could scarcely imagine such a happy girl becoming a monster. As for Miss Munakata that would hardly surprise me, the word of her attraction to Yuuichi Tate was not one to be dismissed so lightly.

Miss Sumiregawa was suddenly in front of me; I had drifted off into my thoughts and not realized that she had been addressing me directly. Now standing in front of me, not much shorter than I, her steely glare cut deep down into my soul. In the depths of my mind, I heard Kiyohime once more, her thoughts of aiding me giving me little comfort this time. Knowing she and I could no longer have communication, it was nothing more than a defeat of my will.

She told of her beloved friend running off, leaving her to worry. She spoke of the pain and the years spent searching for her friend. I couldn't believe what was being said. Could I be doing this to Natsuki? Could she be this worried? No, she couldn't be, her feelings were not like mine. Even as just a friend this wouldn't affect Natsuki, like it was clear Miss Sumiregawa was. Her eyes were sharp, even hidden behind her thick frames.

I wasn't fazed by the color of them, but the intent behind them. Her eyes held a very Natsuki-like glare and I now couldn't get her out of my mind. I turn to try to leave, but Miss Sumiregawa takes hold of my hand and doesn't let me. I turn to see a mirror in her other hand, I see my expression in the shining glass and I'm disgusted by what I see.

The panic in my heart is echoed in my eyes and I knock away the mirror. Miss Sugiura keeps it from hitting the ground and smiles at her own reflection in it. She turns it to me again and I now see the tears that are starting to fall. I try to lash out again, but my boss is now holding me close to her, like a child. I hear her voice over and over, telling me to go home. Through my tears I cry out that this is my home, that there is nothing to go back too.

"_Gee I think Haruka-papa is stalling," the precocious little girl said to her mother._

"_I know your Haruka-papa is taking a long time to get to the end, but this is important for you to understand," Michiru-mama says from across the room. She wants Hotaru to learn the lesson of Shizuru-HiME. With a sizable pout, the young girl settles once more, listening intently as the story continues on._

I don't know when I passed out, but I wake to Miss Mui carrying me upstairs and into the owner's apartment, not my own. Miss Sugiura comes in behind us and settles near the table as I sit confused on the couch.

"You fainted in Nenene's arms," Miss Mui says before she leaves us alone and returns downstairs to work.

Her words are spoken in that soft monotone and I look to Miss Sugiura for confirmation. All I remember was crying. I don't remember passing out, though I must have since I am here.

"Well, Miss Sugiura, what is the lesson?" I ask even though my voice feels harsh and rough in my throat.

"We've gotten clean slates, to change who we were, to avoid the same mistakes," Miss Sugiura said, "The girls of the previous Carnivals didn't get that chance. They had to live with the pain afterwards. Imagine being Mashiro Kazahana and awaiting 300 years to make your amends."

"I would rather just leave it behind me, Miss Sugiura," I answer feeling my heart still lodged in my throat constrict.

Her green eyes catch me off guard, I ache to see Natsuki's even just once more. Suddenly I watch her get up and prep us tea, even though I am being rather selfish and somewhat obstinate. I still try to lie about not caring and make my way to the door. I gasp upon seeing the paper styled lion guard and immediately close the door.

I left behind a place where powers like this had nearly destroyed people, only to land in a place where such powers did the same, but also saved the very same people they nearly destroyed. It was a classic story twist that I found not to be humorous. Miss Sugiura turned back to me with the tea service and motioned for me to sit again.

"Shizuru Fujino, HiME, selfish coward. Yes I called you a coward, you fear the unknown so badly that you wallow in it, so it paralyzes you. I call you selfish, because each HiME has had to face or is facing her Carnival demons, dealing with some kind of remorse. Even Kanzaki is more penitent than you are," Miss Sugiura supplied as she set us both cups of green tea and sat back.

I suddenly remembered Haruka Suzushiro's words and why I left, what the fear was. I could not hear those same words from Natsuki, my love for her, blind and ambitious wouldn't allow for such a reaction, it was too unbearable. Knowing this could I go home? Could I make a trip back to Fuuka? Did I really want to?


	9. Ever Onward

**DISCLAIMER: **Mai HiME and its characters are Sunrise property.

* * *

**Ever Onward**

My sleep over the next week is fitful and on this particular night the covers are tossed to the floor as I awaken with a shout. Miss Sugiura left that night, after closing the store owners took her to the train station. I remained here of course. I wanted no part of Fuuka anymore. I had railed back at her words and retreated to my room. I was adamant that I would not return with her and did not care of what was happening back there. There was no reprimand from my employers upon their return, they just smiled and retired to their apartment.

I hated everything I was reminded of by Miss Sugiura's presence and the life I chose to leave behind. I was becoming weary of the nights of sweat and memory. The worst memory was Haruka Suzushiro's pity for me. For some reason in my dreams I was coming to envy her, to feel it was I that should be rivaling her. As the dream became whispers, Haruka became Natsuki and the pitying became pleading, mine.

Why did I dream of her of them, why couldn't they leave me alone? The screams of the First District hounded and haunted me too, but not like those close to me had. My ardent rival haunted my dreams and then became the image of my dear Natsuki. I could have done without either of them pitying and pleading with me, it's a lamentable torment. I gather my bed linen and deposit them along with my night clothes in my laundry hamper. The cool air of the early morning slips in through the cracked open window in the bathroom and I relish the excitement.

In the stillness, I yearn for a touch and wonder if I deserve even my own. In the mirror I see Kiyohime, not the monstrous Child that battled at my side, but the spirit of the scorned young woman of lore. The morning is shattered with the insanity of my conscious and I try to find solace in the heated shower. I feel the hot sensation on my skin and bite my lip to keep from crying out. The pain is bearable in order to feel cleansed anew. The cool air once again excites me and this time I cannot help, but to relieve the pent up desire within me.

The towel that was to dry my body was lain out beneath me on the bed as I relieved the desire that had welled up inside of me. It was not the first or last time I would do this, but the images of my dreams returned to me as my body shook, and my legs fought for purchase on the unmade bed. My release was as ordinary as my life was about to become and as it washed over me, as before, I cried into my bed. It was from here my employer's asked me to find the path to forgiveness.

Miss Sumiregawa helped me set up an appointment with a good therapist. The sessions would go from quiet to quite grueling. I spent close to two years visiting her twice a week and throwing out everything that was killing me inside. She helped me come to two conclusions; return to Fuka and close the book or close the book and look towards the future here.

So now two years had passed since Miss Sugiura's visit. I had finally decided on the destruction of the letters in my possession. I promised myself I would get to them after work and headed down to my daily routine once again. During the wait for the delivery orders, I brought the letters out back and prepared to burn them collectively.

Suddenly the delivery truck backed into the alleyway a little too quickly. A young woman jumped from the truck as it screeched to a halt and knocked the lighter from my hand. I was shocked but also intrigued at what she could be thinking. We traded stares and she laughed before apologizing for her clumsiness. As she explained that she had slipped from the truck and had not intentionally stopped me, I too burst into the first real laughter in the last nearly four years since the Carnival.

Beautiful grey eyes seemed to stop time as I realized I was staring at her, so vibrant. The delivery uniform clashed with her choice of hair color, teal was not meant to blend well with orange and brown. As we turned towards business, I found myself entranced by her simple feminine grace. Our hands brushed contact more than a few times, the last of which was with the shipping receipt.

I signed off on the delivery and was surprised to find a service card underneath as she departed. In all of the commotion I had forgotten of my plan to rid myself of the letters. As I stared at the name carefully written on the back of the card, it no longer mattered. Instead of running, questioning, doubting, and burning I decided to give the cute young delivery girl a chance.

Who knows maybe Miss Marguerite and I will get along? The future does mean to move forward after all.


End file.
